I am wasted on the abuse;
the hopeless quest for the enterprise of this world.
Torn pieces of contracts and dreams
create the insuring control so important to them.
They feign empowerment;
twisting us into their tangle of curls,
then blinding us from the reality,
while they destroy another piece of us again.
Giving a college of restrictions;
prayer, work, and a family to raise.
It is not an opinion any longer what is success,
but a requirement that imprisons our ideals.
These enforcers of unwritten law
block creativity with political haze,
distracting us with petty affairs
while we walk on the debris of what was real.
We fall into the waters of a new theocracy
where we dont recognize our own thought, if we have any.







Devious Comments
They feign empowerment;
twisting us into their tangle of curls,
that section works particularly well because its very visual.
nice work
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fall children | ~Naypalm-that-Singes
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"I'm certainly not going to suggest that all Christians are cocks." - ~Francine1991
"Because some of them may be hens." - *AJGlass
Kidding. Seriously.
Hmm, this ones really good, the harder to understand or less known words really accent the meaning. It make me think a little deeper than most. Although some parts are a little, I don't know how to say it...clunky, I guess. They just seem to hit when going pat eachotherm if that makes any sense.
Sorry if this isn't the best critique ever, I'm not so good at this.
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It is not an opinion any longer what is success,
-Firstly, you dont need a comma before and' (its incorrect English, but Ive noticed most Americans do it).
-Secondly, that second line doesnt quite read well. Maybe a comma after 'longer' would help make it a little better (and perhaps a question mark at the end)?
On the whole you have a great vocabulary! Nice work.
A lot of people love the vocabulary.
--
"I'm certainly not going to suggest that all Christians are cocks." - ~Francine1991
"Because some of them may be hens." - *AJGlass
--
"I'm certainly not going to suggest that all Christians are cocks." - ~Francine1991
"Because some of them may be hens." - *AJGlass
No no, any critique is a critique. Clunky? Like, not necessarily flowing? That's probably because the genre I was going for was more beat poetry. It's called "spoken word". It's probably the closest connection between traditional poetry and rap. For the theme I was going for it seemed like the best choice.
--
"I'm certainly not going to suggest that all Christians are cocks." - ~Francine1991
"Because some of them may be hens." - *AJGlass
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