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Theocracy by ~LocitatheSilent:iconLocitatheSilent:



I am wasted on the abuse;
the hopeless quest for the enterprise of this world.
Torn pieces of contracts and dreams
create the insuring control so important to them.

They feign empowerment;
twisting us into their tangle of curls,
then blinding us from the reality,
while they destroy another piece of us again.

Giving a college of restrictions;
prayer, work, and a family to raise.
It is not an opinion any longer what is success,
but a requirement that imprisons our ideals.

These enforcers of unwritten law
block creativity with political haze,
distracting us with petty affairs
while we walk on the debris of what was real.

We fall into the waters of a new theocracy
where we don’t recognize our own thought, if we have any.
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Submitted: February 14
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Author's Comments

It's very POETIC Spoken Word.

Comments people, COMMENTS.

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~XRayeX:iconXRayeX: Feb 14, 2008, 1:13:46 PM
you use a lot of very.. i don't know what to call it, 'construction and professional' based language, which is refreshing in poetry.

They feign empowerment;
twisting us into their tangle of curls,

that section works particularly well because its very visual.

nice work

--
fall children | ~Naypalm-that-Singes
~LocitatheSilent:iconLocitatheSilent: Feb 14, 2008, 1:15:13 PM
Big words is probably the best term. (:lol:) I'm just kidding of course. Thank you kindly!

--
"I'm certainly not going to suggest that all Christians are cocks." - ~Francine1991

"Because some of them may be hens." - *AJGlass
~mangachu:iconmangachu: Feb 14, 2008, 3:37:01 PM
BIG WORDS KAWAIIIIII ^_^

Kidding. Seriously.

Hmm, this ones really good, the harder to understand or less known words really accent the meaning. It make me think a little deeper than most. Although some parts are a little, I don't know how to say it...clunky, I guess. They just seem to hit when going pat eachotherm if that makes any sense.

Sorry if this isn't the best critique ever, I'm not so good at this.

--
I'm the official forum terrorist!
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*MatchstickART:iconMatchstickART: Feb 14, 2008, 3:53:59 PM
I made a comment but then the page crashed, so I’m doing it again (albeit briefer).

;prayer, work, and a family to raise.
It is not an opinion any longer what is success,’

-Firstly, you don’t need a comma before ‘and' (it’s incorrect English, but I’ve noticed most Americans do it).
-Secondly, that second line doesn’t quite read well. Maybe a comma after 'longer' would help make it a little better (and perhaps a question mark at the end)?

On the whole you have a great vocabulary! Nice work.
*MatchstickART:iconMatchstickART: Feb 14, 2008, 3:54:28 PM
prayer* stupid emote!
~LocitatheSilent:iconLocitatheSilent: Feb 14, 2008, 4:30:47 PM
I always remember being taught that too. Bleh, my education fails. As for the other line, a comma would make it better. But it isn't a question so it wouldn't be appropriate to end with with a question mark. Personally, I try not to use questions and exclamations in my poetry, just because I'm afraid it'll take away from the words.

A lot of people love the vocabulary. :P Maybe I should talk that way more often.

--
"I'm certainly not going to suggest that all Christians are cocks." - ~Francine1991

"Because some of them may be hens." - *AJGlass
~LocitatheSilent:iconLocitatheSilent: Feb 14, 2008, 4:30:58 PM
That emote needs to be banned for being annoying.

--
"I'm certainly not going to suggest that all Christians are cocks." - ~Francine1991

"Because some of them may be hens." - *AJGlass
~LocitatheSilent:iconLocitatheSilent: Feb 14, 2008, 4:32:54 PM
KAWAII!

No no, any critique is a critique. Clunky? Like, not necessarily flowing? That's probably because the genre I was going for was more beat poetry. It's called "spoken word". It's probably the closest connection between traditional poetry and rap. For the theme I was going for it seemed like the best choice.

--
"I'm certainly not going to suggest that all Christians are cocks." - ~Francine1991

"Because some of them may be hens." - *AJGlass
*MatchstickART:iconMatchstickART: Feb 14, 2008, 4:51:52 PM
Definitely, it happens far too frequently.